A journal writing regarding personal reflections on my experience of sitting with Ayahuasca for two nights.
It was an ordinary day in November and my third day in Cancun when I sat with The Medicine. In reviewing my journal before the night’s events, I wrote:
“All I can say is that I’m ready for what may come. Which is .. whatever will be.”
The phrase was a pointed memory, written during a Women’s Healing Retreat in Tulum, Mexico in late autumn of 2022. I committed to being ready for what visions, experiences and were to come while surrounded by fellow women, committed to the retreat.
Like previous experiences I’ve had with DMT and psychedelic mushrooms, the colors and pineal glad expansion I experienced with ayahuasca was valid, true and what felt like a portal opening. During the active experience, I felt waves of kundalini move through my body and along my spine. I connected with my ancestors, became one with the life of the jungle and experienced a level of consciousness I had not previously been present for. I also know that I’d waited years of my life for the experience.
After which, I did a deep dive in questioning my life and reality, in the wake of certain painful events that I faced while in medicine.
Which brings me to the more important question – what is the point of Ayahuasca? Why did I feel called to come to Cancun, after hearing about it during a yoga retreat in Montenegro? I’d asked for certain relationships to be removed from my life and sacrificed them on my personal spiritual alter. Why did I feel the need to do that before the ceremony retreat? Why did I feel the need to drink a neurotoxin to experience this Force and be a part of this collective?
Because I asked for it, from a deep space in my soul.
I desired it and my spirit created the opportunity for the experience of it.
I feel that the ayahuasca journey was a sealing of a process – a journey that I had been on for years. After the ceremony, I felt that I had a true clearing of energy in my life, to get to the heart of the matter of my existence.
I do feel, especially after the first night, that I shifted my perspective on a lot of things. The first night was the deepest, most profound, most drenched in tears I’d been in a while. I felt so much love from the universe and so much connection with my inner spirit. I threw up twice – once within an hour of ingesting The Medicine. And the second, a little later on in the process.
The second night, I took a smaller amount and only threw up after a pivotal vision that was so personally profound and deep that I felt that I had to give up” what no longer served me – to be completely reduced to the human basics of form.
In immediate reflection, I realized that I don’t need to heal people in order to have my place in the world. I do not have to sacrifice my health, my energy or my happiness to prop up other people – or mother them – for my own idea of being useful. I am useful because I exist. I am worthy of my life, because I am my life’s creator.
I just want to be happy. That’s really it. Simple, to the point. To cultivate a rich life of memories, smiles, friendship and beautiful art.
Now, I do just that. Without shame. Without guilt. Simply for the pleasure of creation.
In reflection, I am profoundly a better human in existence for the experience in the jungle.
Ayahuasca was my teacher and the culmination of my path of plant medicine.
I am grateful for the journey and the completion.
